Looking back, the old days always seemed safer.

Disturbances were always resolved and the omnipresent red tide of death or despair or destruction always receded into a greater and happier time of prosperity. And in those olden days the people would always forget so easily the last flurry of tough times and continue about in their fancy fun free lives.

In those olden days tough times could even seem quaint and romantic.

It was that way even in the not-so-olden days when people were afraid to fly, people were afraid of anthrax in the mail, people were afraid of dirty bombs after the terrorist strike on 9-11. The DOW Jones Industrial now wasn’t even as low as it dropped in the summer of 2002 when people were so afraid they thought twice about going to shopping malls for fear of unknown attack. Then it took just a year for the market to bounce back and only a few years to reach an all-time high, as people slowly regained their courage.

Stewart kept repeating that to himself over and over again. Problem was, he just couldn’t get it to stick.

The fact of the matter was after his one-day stint at SecureCo, the job market dried up so fast that even with government promises of corporate bail-outs that didn’t help his employment situation.  To make things worse, he didn’t even qualify for unemployment. Having not finished orientation or a properly filled out W-2 ‘his record could not be found anywhere in the SecureCo system’.

At least that was the corporate line Joan Shields’ assistant gave him when he called after the company was made liquid again by the mighty hand of Uncle Sam.  He protested that he had an offer letter, but couldn’t get a meeting much less a personal phone call with Joan. The place, where he dreaded working, now became an impenetrable fortress to him as he clawed to reinstate his job then found himself fighting for some kind, any kind of recognition of his existence.

“You want in. Then you want out. Then you want back in again. Such is the crazy nature of man”, his wife, Janie said as she looked over to him and seemingly read his thoughts as she downshifted the car to second.

He didn’t want to acknowledge the comment even if she might be right. To Stewart, the good days were over and tough times were present and everywhere.  Thank God they had waited on having children. Or more precisely, thank God he had put her off and convinced her to stay on the pill until things got better.

They had been together three years and in that time they had done a bit of role reversal. Even though she had him hooked on the first date with feelings of new love that made him want to jump out of his skin he couldn’t tell if it was a mutual thing. Sitting on a bench with her on that summer night he looked into her eyes with wild thoughts of reckless love and grandiose plans of a perfect future. At the time she was more reserved and coquettish as she grazed his knee with her finger tips.

He had no idea it was calculated.

She was calculated then. And, though she was falling for him too, at the time she never would have admitted it as she administered the taciturn expression on her face. He wasn’t the guy who was part of her grand plan, though she would never dream of telling him so. But then he with his wild boyishness and reckless abandon had to come along and throw a monkey wrench into the rationally elegant Swiss Clock machinery of her mind which somehow made things better.

Somehow, things made sense despite the stripped gears and bent springs.

He looked at her as she stopped for a red light. One thing didn’t change. He still could never tell what she was thinking. But she was thinking something. That’s for sure.

“What?” he asked.

“Jill’s having a baby shower. Spouses invited.”

“So you want me to go?”

“Forget it,” she said.

He gladly let it go as she put it in first as the light turned green.

“Easy. Easy!” he complained, smelling the burning clutch.

That wasn’t going to be cheap to fix. How could she possibly be so crazy as to even want a baby when they were driving around with a bum clutch?

He didn’t even much like the idea of Manny, the hamster, he felt forced to agree to, as a consolation prize.  Not that the white little furry creature wasn’t a battle too. He was scared what the landlord would do if he found out they had a pet which could damage their decidedly pet unfriendly building.

“Damage this broken down dilapidated place?” her retort struck back as he replayed the argument. “Do you think anyone would even notice the damage a little hamster could cause?  Do you think anyone would even care?”

“Beside the point,” he fired back. “We have rent control.”

He was desperately afraid of having to move and losing their great cheap rent. Yes the place was a dilapidated house build two hundred years ago but it had character. It was historic. He prayed all the time for them not to tear it down in favor of a multi-unit building. “And anyway, it deserved to be kept as such and not to be chewed to shards by a wild animal with razor sharp teeth,” he recalled the old argument which played back again in his head. Ok, maybe that was a bit overboard.

“Don’t worry, baby,” she said as delicately as she could muster.

Janie then pounded the horn and screamed at the car ahead of them to redirect her frustration: “Move it! Grow some balls weenie!”

“I don’t worry! I never worry!” he retorted, instantly knowing it was a lie. Nothing scared him when he met her, that is. That was then, this is now. But what happened to the girl who was afraid to touch his knee on their first date? What happened to the girl who was so reserved and quiet? She had changed too. Sometimes he thought she was crazy. She seemed totally oblivious of the worsening economic crisis that was putting a strangle- hold on the economy. How could she be oblivious of the banks threatening to fail all around her?

Despite it all, she would make bold and brash statements: “let’s go to Europe for vacation!” or “wanna go house hunting?” or of course the persistent reoccurring baby hints.

Still, she was beautiful and he loved her. He looked over at her as she pulled into the Petco parking lot and yank the parking break.

“That’s a Dreamer Axiom!” she said instantly fascinated by the baby stroller. “Britney Spears uses that one!”

“Baby” he said trying to slow her.

But she was already bounding out of the car.

“I didn’t know it could hold twins!” she said as she bounced around to the passenger side and gave him a playful smile then kissed him on the lips. “Meet you inside.”

She sprang to the store entrance, walking in with the mother as she cooed at the baby.

“Nothing,” he said, defeated, with many deep layers of mixed emotions. Why were we so distant? Why could we never be on the same page? Are we growing apart? More and more fears.

God, she was so oblivious, so fearless. None of his specialties.

“Hey, they have kittens!” she yelled back at him as she opened the Petco door and stuck her head out to inform him. “Maybe a kitty would be a good playmate for Manhattan.”

“Sure and while you’re at it why don’t you buy a bazooka for our baby as well. Everyone knows how well cats and little furry rodents get along!”

But she didn’t hear. She had already gone in and he was still sitting in the passenger seat pondering distant future babies and very near future hamsters named Manhattan. Manhattan would be the hamster Manny’s full given name that she came up with weeks ago when he finally conceded. Manhattan.

Janie was at the rodent cages pointing to a hamster when he walked in. The attendant handed it to her and she cooed and smiled at Stewart.

“I got the one with good table manners”, she joked, noting that Manny was the only hamster who hadn’t stuffed her cheeks full of food.

He complained to her ear in a whisper as she walked up to the checkout line. “A cat?”

“No silly.” She purred, playing. “A kitty.”

“Um, yes but a kitty is a baby which grows up to be a cat.”

“Over time. Don’t you think they’d make nice playmates? We could raise them together.” she teased.

“Are you crazy” he hissed. “Not at all.” Then he stopped dead in his tracks. Of course she was playing with him. What was wrong with him.

“It was a joke! Okay! Do you think I’m dumb! Do you think I would actually get a cat! Why do you have to be so God damn serious all the time. It’s a little hamster. It’s not going to hurt anything. We’re not going to let anything hurt it. Life will proceed. Life will go on.”

She stormed out in a flurry, Manhattan under her arm in a cardboard box. The vapor trail of hushed silence filled her wake. Then as he stood there, frozen, feeling like every eye in the entire store was watching his every move, the cashier put out her hand.

“Cash or credit?”

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